You want me to stop?

Stop (pun intended) me if you've heard this one...

A police officer pulls over a driver. He walks up to the driver and says, "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says, "No, I don't." The officer says, "You didn't stop at that stop sign." The driver said, "Well, maybe not all the way, but I slowed down! What's the big deal?" The officer says, "Sir, why don't you step out of your car and let me demonstrate the difference." The driver complied at which time the officer began repeatedly hitting the driver with his nightstick. The officer asked the driver, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

And now for the boring shit....

Stop Requirements

CVC 22450. (a) The driver of any vehicle approaching a stop sign at the entrance to, or within, an intersection shall stop at a limit line, if marked, otherwise before entering the crosswalk on the near side of the intersection.

If there is no limit line or crosswalk, the driver shall stop at the entrance to the intersecting roadway. (emphasis added)

Not really hard to figure out, is it? Here are some things that don't count as a stop...

1. Resting your foot on the brake as you approach the stop sign and/or limit line.

2. Quickly tapping the brake so there is a brief weight transfer from back to front making it kind of appear like you stopped...even though it's fucking obvious you didn't.

3. Slowing down because "there weren't any other cars coming."

4. Slowing down, looking to your left, seeing me, mouthing "Oh, shit!", and subsequently stopping 20' into the intersection.

5. Waving at me as you realize what a dipshit you are for either a) doing #4 or b) creeping through without stopping at any point.

I've thought about taking a video camera out to one of my favorite spots and letting it run for five minutes or so and letting non-LEO's tell me which cars stopped and which ones didn't. I've had a few ride-a-longs in my day and I find it interesting that of the stop sign violations I've let slide (3-5 MPH w/o stopping), I am frequently asked, "Why didn't you stop that guy? He just ran the stop sign!"

I find it amusing that a lot of drivers think stop sign tickets are bullshit....yet, these tend to be the same folks that bitch about speeders and stop sign runners in their neighborhoods. And, by the way, it always seems to be "those damn teenagers." Hilarious.

Happy Fourth of July!!!

You might think with a title like this, I might be posting about our lovely country and how great it is to be an American. While those things are true, they're not even close to the meat and potatoes of what I have to say.

Every year around this time, there is the time-honored tradition of setting off firecrackers (even though it's illegal in practically every damn county in the State). Gee, thanks for the obvious reminder, MC, you say. Ah, you're welcome, sarcastic bitches.

What I'd like you all to remember and keep in the forefront of your minds over the next couple weeks is those noises you hear? You know, the loud popping sounds in your otherwise quiet and usually safe, uneventful neighborhood? Yeah, those are more than likely firecrackers, not gun shots.

Without fail, we are inundated in the Town with "prom shoots" (promiscuous shooting). It isn't unique to Town either, I can pull up calls county-wide and see call after call for prom shoots. Really, people? You can't put two and two together? Listen, you don't live in South Central for crying out loud. You think maybe someone's shooting off some firecrackers? During the Fourth of July? AGAIN? Just like they did last fucking year? And the year before that?

You know, if I had a time machine, I wouldn't travel back in time to stop, say, Lincoln's assassination or grab a sports almanac a la Back to the Future II. I'd find the first firecracker inventor guy and give him a smack. Then, I'd start a new tradition for the Fourth. Waving vigorously. That's it. I now it ain't exciting, but dammit if it ain't fucking quiet.

Marlin Perkins you are not.

So, you know how every it seems every few weeks the media fuels the paranoia that is (insert tacky B-movie duh duh ddduuuuhhhh music) Mountain Lions? Every so often, some reTard (go see The Hangover) calls and claims they've sighted a Mountain Lion. Thursday was no different.

My partner got dispatched to the following detail: PR reports a baby mountain lion is trying to get into her house.

Really? A baby mountain lion is trying to get into your residential neighborhood home? A baby mountain lion that is more than likely fucking terrified of people is pawing at your back door? I'm gonna go ahead and call Bullshit.

A year or so ago, I had a similar detail and it was right after a rather large "scare" (manufactured by the media and some other fools). The woman was adamant there was a mountain lion in her backyard. Adamant. Being on a Motor, I beat everyone there. I ran with the woman to her home's rear slider and saw, well, I don't want to spoil the ending...it was similar to what my partner found. Only he was lucky enough to snap a photo of it.

I'm no zoologist, folks. But, I'm pretty fucking sure I'd know the difference between a mountain lion and a goddamn fox. See below...

Thank you, Media, for continuing to provide fear, paranoia, and blog fodder. I doth owe you.

Saturday's Question

As promised, Sunny in AZ, here's your question:

The "stay in the car" issue may be confusing because many times when you drive by a traffic stop, people are out of the vehicle speaking with the officer(s) and not in any kind of restraint. How is being in the car any less dangerous to you than being out of the car, since she could theoretically pull a weapon while inside the car from her center console or glove compartment (or frufru handbag because she sounds like she carries one)? Just curious, do you tell the driver specifically to stay in the vehicle while you write him/her up? Is that any kind of standard procedure? Might that alleviate this problem, or would it just go in one ear and out the other?

Let me start by saying, your best bet is to do whatever it is the Officer tells you to do. Also, just because I would have you do something, doesn't mean you should look for every Officer to do the same. As has been mentioned in other commentary, most Motors will approach on the passenger side, whilst most car cops will approach on the driver's side. Having said that, I'll try and answer your questions with what I am looking for on any given stop.

First, with regard to the people standing outside speaking to an Officer(s). There are any number of reasons this could have occurred. Anything from maybe the Officer didn't want to embarrass the driver in front of his/her date about some outstanding parking tickets to maybe the driver is an informant and is giving up the goods. Who knows? Every stop is different.

How is being in the car less dangerous to me than being out of the car? Personally, I like people to stay in the car because I can write my cite and keep an eye on them, but they may not necessarily have the best view of me. Their movements are easier to restrict, spatially speaking. What I mean is, should the occupant(s) have a gun, it'd be harder for them to get a bead on me from inside a car versus being outside and having full range of movement. In my opinion, keeping someone in the car allows me more control versus having them out and about. Particularly if there are multiple parties in the car. The more people in the car, the more important they stay there, in my opinion.

The other issue is liability. If some idiot driver comes jumping out of the car and passing traffic tattoos them into next week, well, I'd rather not have that happen. I wouldn't be liable, of course (not that the suing wouldn't commence post haste), but that doesn't mean I wouldn't feel shitty about it. Again, in my opinion, it's safer for everyone involved if the driver and/or occupants remain in the car.

Finally, sometimes it does indeed go in one ear and out the other. Some people are just stuck on stupid and are so intent and explaining why they ran that red light that they don't listen to what they are told.

There are definitely circumstances under which I will pull someone out of the car (DUI investigation, car search, etc), but more often than not, if we're just talking about your run of the mill citation, I want everyone to stay put. Any deviation from that is a red flag in my book and deserves a second look.

Thanks for your patience, Sunny, and I hope that cleared it up for you a bit. Stay cool down there...getting hot here, I can only imagine your pain. Go buy a motorcop a nice cool Frappuccino. ;-)

Now where did I put that kid?

A couple weeks ago, I worked our local High School's graduation. During what was mostly a completely smooth and uneventful few hours, I had occasion to experience the following:

Oblivious Parent: Excuse me.

MC: Hi. What can I do for you?

OP: I seem to have lost my son.

MC: How long has he been missing?

OP: I saw him about 30 minutes ago playing with some other children over here (points to general vicinity)

MC: Ok. What's his name?

OP: Unfortunately Mine (not his real name).

MC: Ok. How old is he?

OP: 5

MC: Ok. What's he wearing?

**You get the picture, right? She provides all the description I need. I contact Dispatch to make sure all the other units copy and we can start looking for the kid. Here's why this ended up on my blog...**

MC: Ok, Ma'am. We'll start looking for him.

OP: Alright, well, I'm just gonna go back to my seat.

Huh? Back to your seat? Now, I know what you're thinking. OP wanted to return there in case her wayward child returned. Yeah, I'd have thought so, too. Turns out, we're both wrong. Her brother was walking around looking for the kid and she just wanted to get back to her seat and sit down. She was totally nonchalant about the whole thing and seemed completely non-plussed. Crazy.

If the Kid were missing? Forget it. I'd be like a fucking hummingbird zipping all over the place. And, I'd be recruiting others to join in the hunt. May very well have jumped on stage mid-graduation, grabbed the mic from Principal Boring Guy and made a little announcement. This chick? Nope. Gonna go back and sit down.

Gee, I wonder why the world is hurtling toward Hades. On rocket skates. With no helmet. And flaming hair.

Cop out post...pun not intended.

I say cop out, because this post isn't exactly full of new material. There is a madness to my method. Wait, method to my madness? Fuck it, keep reading...




It's time to climb on in the way back machine, kids. Way back to April 2008 when I started this little virtual adventure. It's come to my attention the 'ol blog has been getting a bit more traffic of late. Now, I know when I stumble across a blog I've not seen before and I like it, I try and go back to the beginning and read from inception to now. Some of you have been doing this a whole hell of a lot longer than me and, to be frank, I don't have the time to read all your stuff. I assume you all have better shit to do as well.

Along that vein, however, I thought I'd link you back to my first couple of posts. The original and a couple follow ups (here and here) kind of sum up who I am, why I started the blog, and why I dig my job so much. Your homework assignment for those who haven't read them before: Go back and take a look at where it all started. Having looked at Ofr. "Smith"'s recent issues with a suspect (not in the usual cop-sense of the word, mind you) commentator and in conjunction with being linked to two separate defense lawyer blogs, I've come to the conclusion that a reminder is in order.


Let's all take a deep breath and realize a couple things. First, there's a lot of humour (suck it, Stud) in what I write. My tongue is firmly planted in my cheek a significant portion of the time. Your interpretation of when that is or is not the case may or may not coincide with mine. Know what? Too fuckin' bad, chief.


Second, the majority of my job is straight fucking boring. Ask any cop. You know the show COPS? They ride with those departments for like two damn weeks to scrap together five minutes of bullshit. It's true. Most of the people I deal with are nice, average, well-mannered, well-intentioned folks. But let's face it. Who wants to read about that boring shit? If COPS were a half hour show about that kind of contact that show never would have been green lit and we'd all be watching "DEFENSE" a mind-blowing, raucous half hour of defense attorneys and the down trodden suspects framed by the Po-Po (a-go-go...huh, HM, huh? Yeah!). This is why I write about the select contacts that are more entertaining and memorable to me. My frustrations entertain the shit out of me and they are shared by the majority of other Officers.


My overall point? Lighten the fuck up and learn to laugh at yourself...and others. Others more, though, cause it's way more fucking fun!

Get it on. Gotta get it on...

Been listening to a lot of the Adam Carolla podcast, thus the title.

At any rate, I'm back from the much needed break and ready to get back on the horse (channeling a little Bon Jovi there..."On a steel horse I ride". See what I did there?) So, stand by to stand by. I appreciate all the comments over the past six days and I apologize for taking so long to post them, but I was in nowheresville with zero contact. A blessed miracle if ever there was one.

Thanks again for reading and stay tuned...

Saturday Question

I got this question about a month ago and it got buried in my folder. My apologies, Frank! Better late than never, right? So without any further ado...

It's been a long time since I have been pulled over for anything, but if for whatever reason the subject comes up I try to encourage people to use safer practices if they get pulled over. ie... don't stop in a traffic lane... if possible, pull onto a side street, parking lot, or far enough off the road that the LEO is not exposed to traffic... if at night, stop under a streetlight if one is available... roll down all windows if you can, turn on interior lights, keep your hands visible and on the wheel until told to do something else with them... and announce your movements before you make them (such as, 'my insurance card is in the glovebox, officer, just a moment'). And of course, be polite, be honest, etc.

That all being the case, is there a point where being a little too friendly to the LEO's needs will actually draw suspicion or push you away from giving the friendlies a break? Like... 'you seem to know a lot about getting pulled over, what else have you done to have learned all this?'

Is there anything you would add or remove from my short list of do's and don'ts for drivers who are pulled over?

Okay....that's a whole lot of info to digest. The crux of your suggestions is greatly appreciated if not a mite over the top. Obviously, you're advocating safety and Lord knows, we're all for it. (Just a quick aside, here. All of these things I'm suggesting are my opinion. I don't presume to speak for any other LEO or agency.) I'll take your practices one by one:

1. Don't stop in a traffic lane. Agreed. Speaking for myself, I will direct the driver via P.A. to yield to the right if there's a shoulder. If there isn't one, I will direct them to the next side street.

2. Stopping under a street light at night. While I absolutely appreciate the sentiment behind it, unless there is a street light within 100 yards or so of where I light a driver up, it is more likely to cause me concern pre-contact. I can't look into a driver's mind and see they are trying to be helpful. I have to operate under the assumption they're up to something. Upon contact, it is typically easy to distinguish between the two, but prior to contact, all sorts of red flags go up if the driver doesn't yield within a certain time/distance.

3. Roll down windows, turn on lights, keep hands visible. All excellent advice.

4. Announce movement. Also very helpful.

It's funny, but when I walk up on a car and I see the driver's hands on the steering wheel, I think one of two things: Cop or Con. If the hair is high and tight, my first question is typically, "Where do you work?" If I'm not getting a particularly porky fragrance off the driver, my first question may very well be, "Probation or Parole?" Either way, it's nice to deal with professionals. Soccer moms have no understanding of Officer Safety.

Insofar as being overly friendly goes, after stopping literally thousands of cars, it becomes close to second nature to sniff out the well-intentioned from the sleight-of-hand artist. As I've said innumerable times, attitude and honesty go a long way with me. If I'm inclined to give warnings, it can only help.

Thanks for taking the time, Frank, and again, I'm sorry for taking so long to get to your question. It was a valuable one! Thanks for reading and come back anytime!

"This isn't fair"

Usually, the title of this post is accompanied with much ballyhoo, whining, and a general sense of bitchiness after I've stopped someone for some violation or other. Now, I could rehash the vast number of posts I've made regarding taking responsibility, admitting your mistake, and the like, but this particular time I chose to take a different tack.

**After stopping, explaining, and citing**

Driver: This isn't fair.

MC: You know, I used to say the same thing to my High School teacher. His response was always, "Fare is a four letter word that applies to the bus."

Driver (looked dumbfounded)

MC: Drive safely.

That teacher used the same line for 25+ years. How do I know? He used the same line on my Mom when he was her teacher in the late 60's. I don't remember shit from that class (if memory serves it was History), but I do remember that little gem. One day I might take up embroidery just so I can sew that shit on a pillow.

Selective Enforcement - Part II

This is sure to raise a few eyebrows...

Let me state at the beginning of this post I think the legitimate purpose behind the CHP's 11-99 Foundation is a wonderful and fantastic program. It is not the program itself I am going to take issue with, but some of the "perks" that are allegedly associated with donating.

Now, I don't know who started the "perks", if they do indeed exist, or if the solicitors for said donation gave the 'ol wink-wink, nudge-nudge, in regard to any possible "perks"; however, the urban legend seems to go something like this...

If you've a CHP license plate frame, supposedly you will get a warning regardless of the violation. The other subtle hint is the 3 X 5 gold colored metal looking plaque inside of a registration wallet. The plaque has a CHP badge on it and if you didn't look close enough, you may mistake it as an actual LEO badge.

Again, I don't know how this started, if it's rumour or fact, or if it's a complete fallacy. However, today, I stopped a guy that seemed to take the rumour as fact. I was riding S/B on Main St. At the next intersection, the signal was red for S/B traffic. I'm not talking about just cycled from yellow to red and it was a tie-goes-to-the-runner scenario. It was a static red that had been that way for a significant amount of time. 11-99 guy was in the #1 lane. There was a vehicle stopped in the #2 lane for S/B traffic. There was a vehicle making a left turn (on a green light) from N/B Main St. to W/B 123 Dr. As in, it was making a left turn in front of S/B traffic. 11-99 guy just cruised on through the intersection like the light wasn't even there. Luckily, the left turning vehicle was paying attention and stopped to avoid a collision.

I pulled 11-99 guy over and immediately noticed the 11-99 Foundation license plate frame. When I contacted him, he very obviously held open his registration wallet to show the little gold plaque. He didn't go on and on about it, but he held the stupid badge up the whole time he was looking for his license. He didn't say anything about expecting a break or a warning. There was no way he was going to get one since the violation was so ridiculously and inherently dangerous (Thank God the other driver didn't have his head up his ass). When I returned with the cite, he looked less than pleased, but I will say he accepted it with little attitude and little commentary. He apologized for running the light and signed the citation.

This isn't the only time something similar has happened with the 11-99 Foundation swag and I'm sure it won't be the last. I just wish whomever started the rumour or expressed the possibility of such an exemption in exchange for a donation just simply hadn't. It's inappropriate and unethical.

So, that's Part II...or The Drawing of the Three for those of you paying attention. Keep an eye out for Wastelands when the mood strikes.

Always and Never

I can't tell you the number of times I hear "I ALWAYS wear my seatbelt, stop, use my blue tooth, do the speed limit, etc." and/or "I NEVER speed, run stop signs, use my cell, etc." Every time I hear it I think of this...




Those two words have to be two of the most misused during a traffic stop. Folks, if you NEVER do something you're not supposed to do and ALWAYS do what you're supposed to do, we'd never meet. Make sense?

Click it or...Jail?!?

Dear friends, there are so many simple, obvious reasons to buckle up...and carry ID...and not snort cocaine...and not go into business selling cocaine...and not recruiting your friend who is on probation. Curious? Read on...

Last week, I was close to wrapping up another blessedly uneventful work day. Alas, it was not to end as uneventful as it began. In front of me, I saw a passenger in a Toyota SUV sitting in the front seat without his seatbelt on. Far be it from me to let it slide, so on go the lites and over pulls the Toyota.

I walked up to the driver's side and briefly contacted the driver. I explained why I stopped her and went on to talk to the passenger. He told me he didn't have any ID, so he told me his name. Let's call him DDM (will explain later). DDM told me his date of birth and I walked back to the bike to run him out (request CDL check along with a wants/warrant check). I barely finished getting the info out when I got a heads up from my partner, Ofr. Bitterman (his choice), that DDM had a warrant. Dispatch confirmed it a few seconds later.

I walked back up to DDM and told him to get out of the car. He did. I told him to put his hands on top of his head. He did. I placed him in custody and told him he had a warrant for his arrest. He didn't put up a fight of any kind. I searched him incident to arrest and found three baggies of white powder, a glass weed pipe, and $600 in cash. He admitted the powder was cocaine. Awesome. Long story short, DDM (Drug Dealing Moron) went to jail for possession and possession for sales. All because he didn't wear his seatbelt.

The story gets better though...

While we were processing DDM, his cell was blowing up with texts from folks who were looking for some product. Ofr. Bitterman recognized one of the texts as being from ADDM (Another Drug Dealing Moron). Ofr. Bitterman has a Rainman like memory/knowledge of the majority of shitbag troublemakers in Town. Mention one guy's name and he can rattle off ten people who are associated with him. Long after I had gone home, Bitterman got the okay to conduct a probation search on ADDM. ADDM's mom let Bitterman into the house and stood by...oh, did I forget to mention ADDM is a juvenile? Nice work, Mom!

At any rate, Bitterman explains the situation to ADDM and tells him his room was going to be searched. What did Bitterman find? Scroll down....

**Image deleted** (Imagine a line of cocaine on a recent president's picture)

Too damn funny for words. ADDM admitted to selling about 1/4 ounce of cocaine prior to Bitterman's arrival as he had been tipped off about DDM's arrest. ADDM said with high school graduations approaching, they couldn't hold on to product for long at all. ADDM had about $250 on him as well. He went for similar charges DDM went for...luckily, Juvenile Hall took him. Apparently, they were anxious to get reacquainted with ADDM.

So, to recap...DDM wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Had he been wearing it, I never would have stopped him. DDM didn't have an ID. Had he had ID, I may not have run him out. Had he not had a warrant, I may not have searched him. Had he not had $600 on him, he wouldn't have had an additional Sales charge. Had his phone not been blown up, Bitterman wouldn't have done a probation search on ADDM. Two people went to jail (one to Big Boy Jail and one to Baby Jail) all because DDM didn't wear a seatbelt.

Click it or Jail. Indeed. That was my original thought for the title....Bitterman's title was Click it or get arrested...and take a friend down with you, too! Agreed, my friend. A good day for the both of us!

Selective Enforcement - Part I

And I say Part I because there's more to what follows. That is to say I'm not sure how to properly phrase what's on my mind without stepping on my junk, you know? Think of this post and its eventual future part(s) as akin to Stephen King's Dark Tower series, you just never know when that fucker is gonna write another one. Fear not, though, I'll do something creative like name the follow up post "Selective Enforcement - Part II". I know. I'll wait for you to catch your breath.

At any rate, and without further ado, I present to you our first installment...

I stopped a very nice Mercedes today. It was driven by a well dressed gentleman. A gentleman that apparently likes to drive 13 MPH over the posted speed limit. He was very cordial during the initial contact and, to be fair, mostly cordial when I handed him his ticket. What he said, however, fired a synapse in my brain that has been irritating me more and more of late.

He said, "Why can't we get a break? We donate all kinds of money to you."

Oh, sweet tap dancing Christ on a crutch (Sorry, Lord, that has always rolled off the tongue so well), where to start. First...what's with the 'we', chief? You royalty of some kind? In that case, Your Highness, thanks ever so much for deigning to speak with me, your humble ser....nah, fuck it, I can't do it.

Second, and more importantly, I'd really like to make a sweeping overall point here. How to put it delicately....thinking, thinking...oh, I got it....YOUR CONNECTIONS/DONATIONS/BRIBES/CONTRIBUTIONS/MOTHER'S UNCLE'S SECOND COUSIN YOU BLEW ONCE IN THAT BOATHOUSE WILL NOT GET YOU OUT OF A TICKET!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't care how much money you donated to the 11-99 foundation (which by the way is for CHP...of which I am not a member) or, for that matter, to a department I actually belong to. To the best of my knowledge, there is no caveat and/or addendum to CVC 22350 (speeding) or any other section, come to think of it, that includes the verbiage "lest you donate shitpots full of cash".

If you feel so moved as to give freely and of your own volition to your local PD, God bless and thanks very much. We need any assistance we can get. Hell, we wouldn't have a K9 program if it wasn't for some well needed donations. Know what, though? Your generosity, although very appreciated, is not carte blanche to violate the law.

I'd like to think that if I had more money than sense and I decided to buy the DEA a new helicopter, I wouldn't expect them to ignore the 300 acre grow I've got in the backyard. On a smaller and more realistic scale, if I donated some money to a PD and subsequently got stopped for speeding (or any other violation for that matter), I'd suck it up and take the hit. That's what responsible people do.

Know what you don't do? You don't tell the cop that stopped you, "Hey, I gave at the office...what say you look the other way on this one."

I believe my response to him was, "Well, sir, I didn't realize donating money was an exemption to the speed limit." Or something along those lines.

So, please, friends, if you feel so moved to give, please do. But, do me and the rest of us LEOs a favor, do it from the heart and not as a reason to get out of some future deed. It truly tarnishes the gift...at least in my opinion.

Now keep those eyes open for Part II...

Saturday's Question

Today's question was submitted by Kevin. He asks:

If I get pulled over what are my rights as a driver? Do I have to let a cop search my car? What about admitting vs not admitting the violation?

Thank you for the question, Kevin. I'm sure there are a number of folks wondering the same thing. Your first question seems quite broad so I'll try and answer as best I can. Technically, you are being detained...even for a minor infraction. You're best bet is to do as instructed. If I tell you to stay put, stay put. If I tell you to get out of the car, get out of the car. You are required to provide me with your CDL, registration, and insurance. Other than that, you don't really have to say much of anything.

Do you have to let an Officer search your car? Nope. That's not to say we won't. Probably about 99% of the cars and/or persons I ask to search, I've already developed some probable cause to search them. As any lawyer (cool your jets, NSDA) will tell you, if you can get consent, get it. I always articulate consent, probable cause, and combination of the two in my report. You can tell me to go fuck myself, but if I have probable cause, it doesn't matter if you want me to search or not. Of course, if you do tell me that, be prepared to come back to one messy car.

As far as admitting the violation or not goes, I honestly could not care less. Your statement or lack thereof will be noted on my copy of the cite should I need to refer to it in the future. I don't stop folks that I am not 100% sure have committed a violation. I won't go to court on a guess. I'm not in for looking like a jackass in court. To be fair, though, your admitting the violation (within limits) significantly increases your chance of a warning....coupled with attitude, of course. I say within limits because if you're driving 75 in a 30, you can bet you'll get a ticket regardless of your honesty.

Thanks again, Kevin. I hope that cleared things up a bit for you!

Alright (literary license), we're down to two more Saturdays worth of questions...if you're enjoying this particular feature, shoot me some more!

Alright. That's it.

All of us LEOs have posted over and over again about the Attitude Test. If you've got a shitty attitude, you're guaranteed to get a ticket. If you're honest, your odds of getting a warning significantly increase.

Last week, I worked some Click It or Ticket OT. Two hours into it, I was ready to lose my mind behind the bullshit attitudes I was dealing with. Listen, it's not a point on your license...it's just a fine. You've no one to blame for your ineptitude by yourself. Calling me an ass and butchering my last name like some jackstick seventh grader is not the way to ingratiate yourself. I don't care what you call me or what your excuses are. Take some responsibility.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, I went back to the PD before I ripped someone's head off due to the sheer disbelief (even after all this time) of how ridiculous people are. Then it occurred to me. I need to do a little study. I haven't hashed out all the details yet, but suffice it to say it will take a minimum of one month to complete.

I'm going to keep my own set of stats for every stop I do. I'm going to try and scientifically half-assedly determine just how full of shit your average driving citizen is. Thus far, I've decided to lump folks into one of three categories: the Honest, the Oblivious, and the Liar. I won't tell the driver they are unwittingly participating in my little study. I will attempt to handle each stop (at least at the outset) as similarly as possible. How they respond and my interpretation of same will determine in which category they fall.

I'll be refining it before commencing my little study. I'll either be commencing the study in July or August. More often than not, my posts are about the knuckleheads I deal with, so it truly appears that the sheer number of assclowns in the world is overwhelming. I think there are more of them than the average reader wants to know...and I'm hoping there are less of them than I think. Time will tell...

I'm a what now?

Forgive her, Lord, for she knows not what she does...

MC: Do you know why I stopped you?

Allegedly Late Lady (although I didn't know it at the time): No (exasperatingly stated by the way).

MC: Do you know what the speed limit is on 123 Ave.?

ALL: 20?

MC (Never having heard of any such limit in Town...or anywhere, for that matter): It's 30. Do you know how fast you were going?

ALL: No.

MC: 46. Little too fast, but it's not the end of the world. Do you have your license, registration, and insurance with you?

ALL hands me her info and I skip (not really, but much more of a vivid image, no?) back to the bike. As I am writing the ticket, she decided to pop the back hatch of her vehicle and get out of the car. I politely (honest!) asked her to get back in her vehicle.

ALL: You're making me late and I need to get something out of my car!

MC: Ma'am, you're decision to speed is what is making you late, not me. I don't want any brouhaha (Hell, yeah, I said it), so please just get back in the car and I'll be with you in a minute.

ALL: I can't believe you're making me late.

MC: Just a thought, here, but maybe you're the one responsible for that.

**Pay Attention Here, Folks!!** Don't EVER get out of your car (barring some natural disaster or Al-Qaeda attack) for ANY reason (refer to aforementioned imminent cataclysmic doom). It's a fantastic way to get shot. I don't give a shit if you think any of the following:

"Oh, it's just me." -- I don't know who the fuck you are.

"Oh, it's just the Town, nothing ever happens here." -- Famous last words...oh, and shit happens here more than your little sheltered Mommy's club and/or Neighborhood Watch knows. Ignorance is bliss.

"I'm not going to do anything wrong." -- You'll excuse me if my mind reading abilities are a little fucked up...we haven't made the switch to the digital signal yet at the PD and things have been running particularly shoddy of late...check back in after 6/12.

"What could I possibly do?" -- I have no bloody clue. That's kinda the fucking point, Pal.

**We now return you to our regularly scheduled traffic stop**

ALL returned, albeit with a huff and an attitude, to her vehicle. I walked back to the car.

MC: Okay, Ma'am, I need you to sign the yellow highlighted portion at the bottom. (I went on to explain Traffic School and the usual rigmarole)

ALL (finished signing, but holding on to my cite book as she puts her registration away): Now you get to wait for me.

MC: Take your time, Ma'am, I've got all day.

ALL: So, now you're going to be a smartass?

Wait a minute, there. Did you just make a smartass comment at me...and then I tell you it's not a problem...and then you accuse me of being a smartass?!? WTF? Listen, sweetheart, you wanna see a smartass, I'm all for it. Unfortunately, I try to keep than inner monologue wrapped the fuck up or I'd find myself in hot water in a quick second...well that, and it makes for cool blog fodder. Here's a suggestion...

How's about you take your bullshit wannabe smartass attitude and shove it right up your (and this is where the beep noise comes in....what, you don't see the blog as part of Must See TV?)

At any rate, the sheer hypocrisy of this friggin' harpy was unreal. Mostly because I actually hadn't been a smartass during the stop. I'm all about taking responsibility for my smartass-ness (-osity?) and having reined it in and still being accused was insulting. I can only imagine her pinhead (atop her rather rotund frame, mind you) would have literally painted the interior of her car with grey matter from the force of the explosion of her head had I actually unleashed the power of my Jedi-like smartass skill.

To quell your suppositions regarding the end of the stop. I believe I just sort of shook my head in disbelief at the audacity of this smartass neophyte and chuckled to myself as I walked back to the bike, cite book in hand, with visions of how to frame the post floating about in my head.

Thieving Stripper

Yeah, you read that right...

Not to be outdone by HM's recent run-in with a *cough* 'dancer', I present to you the Thieving Stripper.

My motor partner and I were covering one of the beat car's on a suspicious person call. The person was described as a Hispanic Female and she was looking over fences into backyards in a residential neighborhood. As luck would have it, my partner and I found here walking towards us as we scooted southbound. She was wearing pin-striped pants (like from a business suit), a Chicago Bulls jersey, and no shoes. Socks...but no shoes.

MC: Hey...uh...where are your shoes?

TS: They hurt my feet. They're in my bag.

MC: Okay. Where are you coming from?

TS: South City Transit Center.

MC: Uh-huh....how's about before that?

TS: The City.

MC: Great. You work late or something?

TS: Yeah.

MC (already suspecting): What do you do?

TS: I'm a dancer.

MC: Oh, yeah? Where?

TS: Jiggly Bits (*Not real name of club...believe it or not*)

MC: Fantastic. What's your name?

TS: Bambi McShakeass (*Not TS's real name...again, can you believe it?)

MC: Hey, you got any ID?

TS: Nope.

MC: Really?!? No DL or ID card?

TS: Nope.

MC: Ever had one in California?

TS: Nope.

MC: Weird. You have anything in your purse or wallet with your name on it?

TS digs through purse and hands me a library card.

MC: Um, this is a library card. It doesn't have your name or picture on it. Just 'cause you signed it doesn't make it you.

TS digs a little more and shows me a tribal ID card....but at least its got her picture and name on it.

MC: That'll work.

Blah, blah, blah...we don't really have anything on her by this point. We've no crime and no witnesses. Although, we did determine she's been arrested a handful of times for....wait for it....burglary and grand theft! Huh. Who saw that coming?

MC: You have anything in your bags you shouldn't have?

TS: Nah...I'm good.

MC: Okay. You mind if I check?

TS: Yes. You don't need to because I know I'm good.

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. Anytime someone says I can't do something means I really should do it because they're hiding something. If only it weren't for that damn Fourth Amendment.

MC: Hey, Bambi. If you've got nothing to hide, why won't you let me look?

TS: You don't have any probable cause.

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. Anytime someone throws the jargon at me and they're throwing it from the opposing team, it really, really makes me want to look. Damn Constitution.

MC: No worries, Bambi. We're gonna cut you loose in a minute, but just between you and me? You know you've got something you don't want me to find. I know you've got something you don't want me to find. It's all good and I ain't gonna push the issue, but just so you understand...I know you're dirty. You have a nice day.

TS, of course, couldn't give a shit what I thought, but I just can't let some Thieving Stripper think she got over on me, you know? An amusing aside to this? Our detectives saw her rolling around later in a VW with some dude....they were cruising neighborhoods. Gee, whatever could they have been up to?

A refreshing point of view

On Saturday, I worked a DUI enforcement night. I was sitting at an intersection (a bit removed mind you...wouldn't want to tip my hand) when I saw a red pickup go through the intersection without stopping. The speed limit in the area is 25 MPH. He was doing about the speed limit.

I got all excited because I figured I had a fish on. I stopped the car and contacted the driver. I could tell right off he wasn't drunk. But he wasn't a typical stop...

MC: Hey. You know why I stopped you?

Refreshingly Honest Guy: I didn't stop at the stop sign.

MC: Yeah. You got your license, registration and insurance?

RHG: Sure.

MC: Any reason you didn't stop?

RHG: I ain't gonna bullshit you, man. I just didn't feel like stopping.

MC (with what I am sure had to be a shocked look): Fair enough. Hang tight, I'll be right back.

I went back to the car and wrote a ticket. Sure, he was honest....and blatantly so, but come on...I still gotta be me. I mean this dude didn't even slow down. I went back to the car and had him step out onto the sidewalk.

MC: Alright, do me a favor and sign the highlighted yellow portion.

RHG: Okay.

MC: Any tickets in the last 18 months?

RHG: Oh, yeah.

MC: You go to traffic school for it?

RHG: Yup.

MC: Okay, well, unfortunately, you won't be eligible for this one.

RHG: Yeah, I figured. I don't see much point in lying to you. I'll just save us both some time.

God bless you, RHG. You truly made my night.

He's back, kids!

After what I can only imagine was quite a bit of hassle and heartache, East Bay Dispatcher has returned. It's a new address and possibly a new name, but it's the same cat.

I know quite a few of you wondered where he went...I'll leave that up to him to explain...suffice it to say, he'll be updating us on his trials and tribulations behind the Motorola.

Welcome back, brother!

5150/New Appreciation for the HM's of the world

There were so many things about this detail that made it blog worthy. I'm not really sure where to start, so I'll just explain as they happened.

Last week, one of the beat guys had a 5150 call. No, not the seminal (snicker...I'm like a 13 year old) album from Van Hagar, but a possible crazy person call. I had just cleared a traffic stop (imagine that) and was closer than the beat officer's cover, so I took the cover.

When I arrived, my partner was already inside and Fire had just rolled up about 30 seconds before me. The detail was dispatched as the PR/V (Person Reporting/Victim) called to report she had taken a dozen Darvon pills. Darvon is more or less a mild narcotic analegesic for relief from mild to moderate pain. She is prescribed three....she took 12.

When it comes to crazies, you never know what's going to happen, so I just parked the bike, switched it off and headed into the house...helmet and all. I walked in and saw Fire standing by waiting for my partner to finish talking to Nutters (gentle euphemism). I walked past them. Nutters saw me and the following occurred:

Nutters (points accusingly): You gave me a ticket.

MC: Nah, couldn't have been me.

N: Do you ride a motorcycle?

MC (knocks on helmet...still on my head, mind you): Nope. I fall down a lot.

She seemed to accept the explanation and then Fire stepped in to do their Medic thing. Now, I know HM (Happy Medic for you uninitiated) occasionally has issues with PD sloughing off details to him. We, the Po-Po, in return laugh when you Fire guys/gals stage for what is obviously a Fire/Medical detail. It's a never-ending roundabout. At the end of the day, however, we're all on the same team. It's like sibling rivalry...all meant in good fun. Having grown up in the Firehouse, I have an affinity for Fire and I've never had issues with them. At every call we meet at, I'm handing out HM's blog address along with mine. On this particular detail, I got to meet a new Medic and further instill my faith in HM and those of his ilk.

But first, PD's policy with respect to 5150. Let me cut to the quick here...we're looking for a very basic statement. Something along the lines of "I want to hurt myself" or some very obvious overt act to accomplish same. Does 'accidentally' taking more pills than you should qualify? Maybe. Maybe not. We'd all be happier if there was some other signs of depression or distress. Nutters wasn't cooperating. Enter HM's brother from another mother....we'll call him Cool Medic (CM) because his feathers were never ruffled and Lord knows I always appreciate a cool demeanor over a stressed one.

CM and his partner checked vitals and called doctors and did everything they could medically do to convince Nutters she needed to go to the hospital to get checked out. No one there was a doctor and couldn't speak with any kind of accuracy what exactly Nutters had taken and how much of it since she had a number of prescription bottles. Nutters wasn't having any of it. She emphatically shook her head and repeated, "Nope, nope, nope, nope" whenever CM tried to convince her to get her crazy ass on the gurney for a ride.

Whilst all of this is occurring, my partner went out to the patrol car to start some 5150 paperwork...just in case. If articulated properly, we could 5150 her if we had to. Neither us, nor CM wanted to leave Nutters alone because we didn't think it would have ended well. While my partner was in the car, Nutters started to exhibit some behavior that just got progressively weirder. I walked out to let him know we'd most likely end up 5150'ng Nutters. He agreed and we both walked back into the house where Nutters has now decided she does indeed want to go to the hospital....but mostly because she's on the ground twitching. I looked down at CM as he and his partner began assessing the new turn of events. We made quick eye contact and I said, "Well, that makes it easier, huh?" CM smiled, said, "Yup" and went to work.

It was cool watching a Medic work. Both CM and his partner remained calm and professional. They talked to each other calmly and asked Nutters questions to ascertain her level of consciousness. They started an IV and I offered to play the roll of bag holder/extra pair of hands. All in all, Nutters came back 'round and CM carted her off to the hospital.

Had it not been for CM and his partner and my partner and I following through with what we all knew was the right thing to do (get Nutters to a doc), she could very well have DFO'd (Done Fell Out...read died). We could just have took her at her word that she would "ride it out" and left it at that. Had we been lazy or just dumb it could have ended up much worse.

So, I left the detail with a new found respect for Medics and their dedication to seeing that their patients are well taken care of...regardless of how batshit crazy they are. And of course, I left with the hopes of garnering a new reader of a couple smartass blogs in the EMS world. Drop us a line CM...let us know you're out there.

Irony

Dictionary.com defines irony as follows:

–noun, plural -nies.
1. The use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

I define irony as follows:

Rolling around on a fully marked PD motorcycle in full uniform conducting enforcement while listening to the following Rage Against the Machine lyrics:

Something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em

Sure, technically, the first definition is more accurate, but mine is more personally satisfying and makes me chuckle. Rock on, Zack de la Rocha, you angry, angry man, you.

....Oh, and the song after that one on the 'ol iPod? "Daydream Believer" by the Monkees. Gotta be some irony in there somewhere, too.

Saturday Question

Mr. J sent the following question:

I have a question about texting. I understand that texting while driving is illegal. But what if I am stopped at a traffic signal waiting for the light to change? I am not driving – I am waiting. Any difference if I am just reading the text? If illegal and you saw me put the phone down once traffic started to move, would you give me a ticket?

As per usual, here is the boring CVC section:

23123.5 (a) A person shall not drive a motor vehicle while using an electronic wireless communications device to write, send, or read a textbased communication.

(b) As used in this section “write, send, or read a text-based communication” means using an electronic wireless communications device to manually communicate with any person using a text-based communication, including, but not limited to, communications referred to as a text message, instant message, or electronic mail.

(c) For purposes of this section, a person shall not be deemed to be writing, reading, or sending a text-based communication if the person reads, selects, or enters a telephone number or name in an electronic wireless communications device for the purpose of making or receiving a telephone call.

(d) A violation of this section is an infraction punishable by a base fine of twenty dollars ($20) for a first offense and fifty dollars ($50) for each subsequent offense.

(e) This section does not apply to an emergency services professional using an electronic wireless communications device while operating an authorized emergency vehicle, as defined in Section 165, in the course and scope of his or her duties.

So, that covers what the basis of the section is; however, the word 'drive' seems to be the crux of your question. In my opinion, unless the car is stopped and parked (as in on the side of the road or in a lot), you are considered to be driving. You are in constructive control of the vehicle when you are at a signal. The car is, more than likely, in Drive or in gear with the clutch engaged. That leads me to believe, and is the basis for my stand, that you are, in fact, driving.

In Mr. J's question, he states "I am not driving – I am waiting". Unfortunately for Mr. J, and with all due respect, it is the Officer's definition of driving that will win out. That being said, however, if I saw you at a signal and you responsibly put the device away prior to moving your vehicle, I probably wouldn't cite you.

I think this is one of those laws I would most assuredly fall on the 'Spirit of the Law' side. That's not to say of course if you look like you need to be stopped and spoken to because you're driving a P.O.S. and you're rocking the gangsta lean, I wouldn't use it as Probable Cause for the stop.

Hope that clarified things for you, Mr. J, and the rest of you, for that matter. And thanks for the positive thanks included in your email, Mr. J. I always appreciate the feedback and well wishes to my fellow brothers/sisters in blue (or tan, or *shudder* white).

Keep the questions coming, my friends. At last check, which was about 10 minutes ago, I've got two or three more questions before the well runs dry.

I can't believe it's this difficult

...We now join our dashing hero as he returns to the stopped vehicle to issue a well deserved citation.

MC: Okay, I need you to sign the yellow highlighted portion at the bottom:

Driver (stares at the cite for a handful of seconds): Where do I need to sign?

MC: At the bottom. Where it says 'signature'. On the bright yellow part...that I highlighted to avoid dipshits struggling to figure out where to sign the ticket...AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhh!

You would not believe how often it happens. People, I can't make it any easier if I held your hand and made like Weekend at Bernie's and had you pretend sign it while I'm moving your hand back and forth.

It's bright. It's fucking yellow. It's HIGHLIGHTED!!! Sweet Mother, Mary of God.

So, that's the route you wanna take?

All I wanted was one more bloody ticket. Not bullshit static from a teenager...

I stopped a kid for turning right on a red (illegal between 1445 and 1530). The stop went like this:

MC: Know why I stopped you?

Stupid A-hole Teen: No.

MC: You can't turn right on red back there between 2:45 and 3:30.

SAT: Oh, man! Is that sign new?

MC: No, it's been here at least as long as I have and I've been here for five years.

SAT: I can't get another ticket

MC (suppressing a chuckle): Uh, just for future reference...not the best defense. You have your license and registration?

Our hero returns to the bike and scratches out a quick cite and sidles back up to the truck.

MC: Okay, I need you to sign on the yellow highlighted portion.

SAT: Are you really going to give me a ticket for this? (Thus the title of this post)

What I wanted to say: You ain't holding a fuckin' invite to the policeman's ball there, Chief.

What I did say...actually I didn't say anything. I believe I had a look on my face and accompanying hand gestures in order to convey the whole "You ain't holding a fuckin' invite to the policeman's ball there, Chief" vibe I was attempting to pull off.

SAT: (And this is on of my favorite lines, by the by) Don't you have anything better to do.

MC: Listen, I don't need your static. Sign the ticket. (Waited for SAT to sign) And as matter of fact, I actually don't have anything better to do. See that motorcycle back there? I ride that around all day and enforce the vehicle code.

SAT (adopting a condescending passive/aggressive tone): Well, that's good.

MC: It is indeed good. You have a pleasant day.

SAT: You, too.

Pay attention drivers...time for a reality check. There's a reason I get paid the big bucks (double over belly laughing...where the fuck is my big bucks check?!?!) to ride a motorcycle. I get paid to enforce the California Vehicle Code. It's like my Bible. If you sin (violate the CVC), I get to play the role of the avenging angel and lop your dome from whence it sits upon thine neckethst (read issue a ticket...but I like the whole lopping angel better).

You know who you should blame? Take a look in that rearview mirror, Jack. IT'S YOU! You're the idiot that can't seem to figure out how to properly maintain a lane, slow down, wear a seatbelt, stay on the right side of the damn road, hang up your fucking cell phone, stop at a red light, etc.

Remember when you took that test to get your driver's license? Remember signing it? You ever figure out what the hell you were signing? Well, let me clue you in, campers...you're basically saying you read the book and you get the rules. No cheating off your neighbor. No stuffing a crib sheet in your jock and/or bra. (And/Or? Sign of the times...I keep this shit current, Yo.) So, when you violate a section and you get your peepee spanked, you should know why. Don't bitch about it. Don't get bent at me. I wasn't sitting on your shoulder like a little devil telling you to make that turn.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you all of the title of this blog. If you got stopped...you deserved it. I don't arbitrarily stop folks just to screw with them. It's rude and, more importantly, illegal. You only have yourselves to blame. So suck it up, say "I'm sorry", and call it day.

I never thought I would say this

Here are some words of wisdom from a public defender (I know, right?):

Some Advice From Your Public Defender
Date: 2009-04-26, 7:43AM PDT
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
***

I must give credit (*sigh*) to Blog(ButcheredNickName)Stocker (forwith to be referred to as Blog(BNN)Stocker...he knows why) for sending me this link. It was originally posted on Craigslist on 4/26/09. I love the fact that there's a public defender out there, on the opposite team, mind you, that is just as fed up with stupidity and idiocy as the rest of us. Maybe we all aren't that different after all.

Welcome to the party, South Dakota.

Back on 3/13/09, I installed Google analytics on the blog so I could keep book on where folks were logging in from and how often, etc. Don't fret, it doesn't keep personal info or anything. It just lets me know which posts are more popular and what area folks log in from.

Since 3/13, I've seen the popularity of the blog blossom. Not just in the States, but around the world. With an exception.

South. Dakota.

For weeks, I have worried I had somehow offended the state of South Dakota. Had I referred to her as "that pussy state below North Dakota"? I don't recall any such malfeasance. After all, SD is the home to Mt. Rushmore, you know where Team America lives. SD also contains Sturgis, the locale where motorcycle enthusiasts sojourn to every year to sight see, interact with others who share a love of bikes, and to trade crystal meth recipes....maybe even carry out a hit on an opposing outlaw motorcycle gang member. Ah, memories.

I mean, I've gotten hits from places like Macedonia (which I'd be hard pressed to find on a map, by the by), Slovenia (isn't that where Dracula lives? Oh, shit, is Dracula reading my blog?!?), and Bahrain (aren't we at war with them?). Come on, South Dakota, get your shit together!

And then, today, nearly three months later, a lone stranger in Gettysburg, South Dakota, took the time to stumble on my blog and spend so little time here that it barely registered. That's not the point, however, my friends. The point is that blank spot on the map of the United States is now green. Just like every other state in the Union. So, thank you, my Gettysburg friend. You've relieved the OCD compunction in me, insofar as it relates to Google analytics.

Feel free to pass pass the blog around to the other, what, 500 people or so that live in South Dakota. And don't take any more shit off those bastards in the North. (Note to bastards in the North, you were here first, you know my loyalties lie with you, right? Besides, those fuckers in the South probably can't even read this part.) SD, you can't be pissed at me, I included a link to your damn travel page. I'm trying to increase your popularity and sway in the Union!

And now I turn my sights on you, Guam. Oh yeah, I'm coming for you!

Addendum to Collision or Accident

Today, Schaefer is being arraigned for 2nd degree murder. Here's to hoping the D.A. has all his/her ducks in a row and the word 'accident' wasn't used in the original report, supplemental reports or anywhere in the D.A.'s argument.

God speed.

Revenue Generator

I'd like to think by now I've made it more than clear I dig on writing tickets. It never ceases to amaze me, however, how often I hear the "end of the month" argument. It goes something like this. I stop someone for doing something they shouldn't. I contact the driver, get their info, go back to the bike and write the cite. Then, I walk back up to the driver and ask them to sign. Commence time-honored, albeit ridiculous, argument:

MC: Okay, I just need you to sign the highlighted yellow portion (where it says signature)
Driver: Are you serious?
MC (resisting the urge to sarcastically say, "No, I'm just messing with you"): You're not admitting any guilt by signing, it's just a promise to appear.
Driver: Must be the end of the month, huh? Gotta fill that quota. (OR) Gotta generate some revenue, eh?

This is what I'd like to say..."Listen, asswipe. I don't give a good goddamn about making a quota (follow above link for a discussion on that) or making any money. How's about you take some responsibility for the stupid shit you just pulled. Believe it or not, jackhole, I'm out here to protect you from yourself. I'm here to make sure you don't cause a collision or hurt anybody else. So do us both a favor and sign the fuckin' ticket and get the hell outta my Town.

Folks, let me take yet another opportunity to repeat myself...I truly don't care about the number of tickets I write. I set a goal for myself each month. Statistics don't lie. The more tickets my partner and I write, the less collisions we tend to have.

When you apply to be a police officer, you go through a fairly rigorous application process. One of the steps is the Oral Board. They ask you a bunch of questions. One of them is the typical "Why do you want to be a police officer." My answer was, "Because I want to help others." There was a little more to it, of course, but the bottom line was just that. I still believe that. I actually do go to work every day with the desire to help other people. That is the basis for all the things I do at work.

I've got a beautiful little girl. Sometimes, she does some things she shouldn't. My response? Discipline. If I don't point out the thing she did and explain to her why it was inappropriate and she doesn't have any consequences, she won't grow up to be a responsible adult. The correlation between her and the people I stop every day is obvious. It's the same logic, but with a heavier emphasis on the consequences.

Some drivers are just too dense to get it and will continue to violate the law. No worries, I'll stop them again and cite them again. And again. And again. Understand that I have no problem citing the same driver repeatedly. My favorite argument is, "I just got a ticket for this." Like that's supposed to be some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card. Uh, guess what? The ticket isn't some kind of talisman that prevents you from getting cited for that particular violation for a predetermined amount of time, my friend.

I know the State, County, Town, insert f'd up governmental body here, is in dire straits financially. My job is not to put revenue in their coffers. I don't give a professional shit about how Arnold has completely screwed the State. Nor do I care how the Town/City/County government is constantly giving themselves raises, but punishing the rest of us (at least not in the professional sense...on the personal tip it really creases me, but that's not the point of the blog). My function is not to meet budget shortfalls or to repair short-sighted fools with too much power and too little sense.

My job is to help create and maintain safe roadways for you and your family. That's it. I take my job very seriously. Sure, I have a good time and I'm a smartass and I occasionally laugh at other's expense. All of that doesn't mean the purity of purpose behind my antics is any less clear.

You have officially been warned (again). If you do something illegal in front of me, I will stop you. I will cite you. You will suffer the consequences. Oh, and you may end up the subject of a sarcastically written blog post. It's part of the consequences...