The California Stop

I'm fairly certain I've discussed the stop requirements every state in the Union has on their books. Here's my bitch today, though...why is it frequently referred to as a "California" stop? Why not an "Ohio" or even, dare I say it, a "South Dakota" stop?

What is it about the good people of the Golden State that makes them eligible for a nation-wide phenomenon? Does the rest of the country think that we thumb our collective noses at such a bourgeois concept as traffic laws? Are we more apt to violate this particular section of the vehicle code?

Following that logic, why isn't there such a thing as "New York" jaywalkers? How about "Montana" speeders? Or those "Alabama" right-of-way bastards...don't get me started on those fuckers.

Lord knows I love this state of my birth. Lord also knows I can't wait to get the hell out of here as soon as possible; however, that isn't based on our inability to come to a full and complete stop. Seems to me, the granola-crunching, left-coasters have gotten a bad rap on this particular score.

I'm just puttin it out there...

Repeat Offender

(FYI...this picture has nothing to do with this post short of having the same title. It was pure coincidence that Richard Marx came up in lineup (don't ask) this week and I thought a search on "repeat offender pics" with this result was God telling me it'd be funny...to at least two people...of which I am one. Yeah, you'd think the Big Guy would have more on his mind. I don't pretend to understand.)

You may find this hard to believe...but I was sitting at a frequent haunt of mine a few weeks ago (as I am wont to do) when I had occasion to stop a very nice lady. A very nice lady I had stopped just four days prior. Driving the same car. On the same road. Violating the same speed law (and one mile an hour faster at that).

The conversation went a little something like the following:

MC: Good morning...do you know why I stopped you?

SGL (Surprisingly Gracious Lady): Because I'm guilty twice in one week.

MC (a bit confused): How's that?

SGL: You stopped me last week.

As I searched the vast database that is my memory (read: stared off into distance...possibly drooled a bit), I noticed a yellow slip of paper peeking out from beneath some other paperwork on the front passenger seat.

MC: May I see that?

SGL rather sheepishly handed me the copy of the ticket I had written her four days earlier.

MC: I'll be right back, ma'am.

Now, you may be thinking what a cold-hearted bastard I am (have we met?), but let's think about this for a second. Within a four day period, she has violated the same law twice. Not to mention, she was even faster the second time! Seems to me she hasn't quite learned the lesson I had worked ever so hard to teach her four days ago. Consequently, out came the cite book and the pen and a-scrawlin' I didst go.

Here's why I dubbed this lady SGL...

MC: Okay. I need you to sign the yellow highlighted portion at the bottom.

SGL (sighs): You know, I'll be the first to thank you for what you do and being here on this road. It was my fault and I need to pay more attention.

MC: Thank you very much, ma'am. I truly appreciate it.

I had cited this lady twice in a four day period. She took responsibility and her consequences like an adult. She neither whined nor blamed anyone else. I felt bad for a second...then the darkness inside of my tin heart ate the pity and I was all better.

That notwithstanding, though, I really did appreciate her sentiment and wish more of the people I deal with on a daily damn basis would have the decency to pull their heads out of their collective asses long enough to suck it up and be adults about what they did.

Thank you, SGL, you are a shining example to the rest of us...

Motor Competition

Earlier this week, I posted on FB and Twitter that I was considering making a fool of myself at a Motor Competition. To that end, I emailed On High and was called in to have a chat with the new PTB (Powers That Be for you noobs out there).

Ordinarily, a summons to the Office calls for a fair amount of memory searching for whose rights have recently been violated. In this case, however, I knew it was going to be a productive conversation. And I was right. Again. Truly, it's exhausting. (I'm being sarcastic, people. Lighten up, wouldja?)

At any rate, it appears your old buddy, MC, needs to work on the verbiage of his electronic mail correspondence because I got a lesson in liability. Let me say that I don't have a political nor a liability conscience bone in my body. Hell, I probably just screwed the pooch writing that. Regardless, in my email I mentioned that it had been some time since my partner and I had practiced cone patterns and this competition could be a good opportunity to "knock the rust off" as it were.

By "knock the rust off", it seems PTB read it as "break something critical in my body that allows me to be a productive Motor Officer". And, rightly so. That's why PTB makes more scratch than me. By now, you're probably wondering where the positivity I promised is hiding. Well, my impatient friends, PTB and I agreed that we should indeed attend the competition; however, this year it will be as a spectator. I'll be able to get a feel for what it entails. Add to that, PTB gave us the thumbs up to find an appropriate spot to set up the same patterns and practice on a much more frequent basis.

Long story short, simply asking for something (you know...showing some interest in what you do and how to improve at it) turned out to be beneficial. PTB neither wanted us injured due to lack of practice nor did he want a bad showing at a competition. PTB prefers we prepare for it and win it.

Lofty goal, that. I will say, however, that preparing for a competition will only serve to make myself and my partner better riders and more prepared to do the things we may be called to do in an emergency situation.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

If you're interested in attending the competition, you can check out the link here. It's free to the public. Who knows...maybe you'll run into yours truly. Unless of course I'm wearing my cowl (as it were)...then you just may walk right on by me.

Audio Crossover Episode II

Episode II

It's been a long, arduous road for our heroes...

And by heroes, I mean Happy Medic

Because no one likes Motorcop

He's mean.

At any rate, the forces of Evil are looming

and the powerful duo of HM/MC are back

Now all you have to do is pretend this is slowly scrolling up like a badass StarWars knockoff and pray LucasFilms doesn't sue the shit out of us

And by us, I mean Happy Medic

Because Motorcop would go all Han Solo on LucasFilms lawyers like they were Greedo (who totally didn't shoot first, by the by).

In this episode, Happy and I discuss quotas, snarkiness, and his apparent status as a victim of domestic violence. Please to enjoy...

As per usual, we welcome your feedback. Our shallow egos thrive on it, folks...so don't disappoint! If you like what we've done so far, feel free to lob some questions our way! Think of it as an audio version of Ask MC!

MC disappoints a young girl

Okay...so, the title is a bit misleading. You should be happy I disappointed her. Allow me to explain...

Today, I went to help out the local school district with a video for elementary schools. Now, I'm no Happy Medic, so yours truly was more than happy for the aid of a teleprompter. It was actually a pretty fun experience. Two elementary school girls "interviewed" me about being distracted while walking, biking, etc.

I was directed to have more "lights and shadows" in my speech pattern. I pretended to know what that meant. Must have done alright, though, because they didn't kick me off the set or decry my "acting" abilities.

After my scene, they provided a nice spread for lunch. While I was standing around eating, one of the girls came up to me and started asking me your typical questions about my vest, gun, and so forth. Then, she came out of the blue. Not with her question, but her reaction:

PLG (Precocious Little Girl): Have you ever been shot?

*Ordinarily, I get the "Have you ever shot anyone?" Her query is much more infrequent.*

MC: Nope. I haven't.

PLG (with her best you-just-ran-over-my-dog-lower-lip-protruding response): Oh.

...and then she slunk away like her hero just got caught breaking one of the seven deadly sins.

What the hell, kid?

So, yeah, I disappointed a little girl. But only because I haven't been shot!

I look forward to about five or six years from now when I catch her speeding. I'm gonna cite the bejeezus outta PLG.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Usually, I try to be an original writer. There is something I came across years ago, however, that has always made me smile and made me think of my Dad. The now (unfortunately) defunct band Yellowcard released a song on their original album, Ocean Avenue, entitled "Life of a Salesman" that I wish I could take credit for writing.

Although my Dad wasn't a salesman, the lyrics still ring true. Please join me in wishing my Dad a happy 61st! I love you, Dad...thanks for making me the man I am today!

LIFE OF A SALESMAN

What's a dad for dad?
Tell me why I'm here dad
Whisper in my ear that I'm growing up to be a better man, dad
Everything is fine dad
Proud that you are mine dad
Cause I know I'm growing up to be a better man

Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you

What's a dad for dad?
Taught me how to stand, dad
Took me by the hand and you showed me how to be a bigger man, dad
Listen when you talk, dad
Follow where you walk, dad
And you know that I will always do the best I can
I can

Father I will always be (always be)
That same boy that stood by the sea ~(the boy that)~
watched you tower over me (over me)
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you
The same as you

Father I will always be
That same boy that stood by the sea
And watched you tower over me
Now I'm older I wanna be the same as you (x2)[in the backgound 2nd time]

When I am a dad, dad ~(when i am a dad, dad)~
I'm gonna be a good dad ~(i'm gonna be a good dad)~
Did the best you could, dad ~(did the best you could, dad)~
Always understood, dad ~(always understood, dad)~
Taught me what was right, dad ~(taught me what was right, dad)~
Opened up my eyes, dad ~(opened up my eyes, dad)~
Glad to call you my dad ~(Glad to call you my dad)~
Thank you for my life dad

So, you just going to sit there?!?

Short answer? You're damn right.

Now for the longer answer. Not too long ago, we had what I personally consider Manna from Heaven. Allow me to explain...

You know that feeling Christmas morning when you just know it's gonna be a great day full of promise and excitement? Well, when there are signals out or flashing red, I get giddy. That is not poetic license. I may actually utter a "tee" or a "hee" or possibly some combination thereof when I hear that traffic over the radio. Most beat cops couldn't care less. Me? I feel like I've been handed a Louisville Slugger as the salmon are spawning upstream.

At any rate, recently, there was a power failure and we had multiple intersections out. The "tee" and the "hee" having been uttered, I find my way to one of the intersections. At first, I was shocked to see that most folks were abiding by the law. What law, you say? Good for you...

CVC 21800 (d)(1) states, "The driver of any vehicle approaching an intersection which has official traffic control signals that are inoperative shall stop at the intersection, and may proceed with caution when it is safe to do so."

What does that mean exactly? It means that you treat the intersection like a stop sign. Pretty basic, really. At any rate, my shock aside about everyone following the law, a car slowed near me and a veritable angel said, "Excuse me...the intersection west of here is out as well. Hardly anyone is stopping!"

I thanked the good Lord for sending such an emissary my way and headed west. It couldn't have been better. I had an unobstructed view and a shady spot in which to sit. All it was missing was palm fronds wafting in the breeze.

But that's where paradise ends. I saw a little two seater shoot through the intersection like it wasn't even there. I stopped the car, dismounted, walked up and said, "Howdy" and was met with what follows:

IAG (Inappropriately Aghast Guy): So, you just going to sit there at a light that's out and write me a ticket?!?

MC: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realize it was my fault that you didn't stop at the intersection. I'll be right back.

And I was...right back. The whole stop, from beginning to end, was less than three minutes.

MC: Okay, sir, I need you to sign the highlighted yellow portion at the bottom, please.

IAG: I can't believe this. Why don't you guys direct some traffic instead of writing hard working Americans tickets?

MC: Actually, sir, there are so many intersections out, we don't have the manpower to direct traffic at all of them. As a matter of fact, it's against our policy to do that very thing for a variety of reasons, including what I just explained to you. (And I really wanted to add..."Hard working American? Um...aren't I the one at work right now? Huh." Alas, I did not.)

IAG: What about all the people speeding in front of the high school?

MC: Ah, classic blameshifting, sir. Well played and good luck.

IAG: Classic what?

I went from the stop to the PD anticipating a complaint. I played the stop for my supervisor. Not five minutes later, IAG showed up to complain about my "conduct". If you can believe it, he changed his tune quite a bit after my supervisor explained not only the exact same thing I explained to IAG on the stop, but also my supervisor told IAG he had heard the stop as I record every stop I conduct.

No more complaint. I love my digital recorder. That little piece of technology has saved me from countless, frivolous, bullshit complaints. It's not policy that we use it and you other LEOs might not be required either....but let me encourage you to use one. They are priceless!

For you non-LEOs out there, use this as a learning tool. Remember when the lights flash red or are completely inoperative, treat the intersection like a four-way stop!